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Dear B_____ Devī Dāsī,
I read your email above and I am very sorry to hear about your situation. The only solution that I can suggest is for you to seek association and śikṣā from a Vaiṣṇava that you find inspiring and who has proper knowledge of the science of Kṛṣṇa consciousness. Śikṣā is in fact the core ingredient of dīkṣā, so seek out proper śikṣā and your situation will certainly improve.
It is unfortunate but many devotees these days are in a situation very similar to yours. Pray to Lord Nityānanda Prabhu to inspire you on the right path. If you are sincere, your prayers will not be neglected. I also suggest that you try to read the books of Śrīla Śrīdhara Mahārāja because there you will find much solace for your heart.
Ultimately, dīkṣā is an inner connection with the plane of the Sweet Absolute. Institutions and formal initiations do not always make that connection, and in that case we have to keep searching. Kṛṣṇa is
there. It is just a matter of time search and you will find Him, Search for Śrī Kṛṣṇa, Reality The Beautiful! Even the search is fulfilling it is the most wonderful thing ever invented!
Hoping this meets you well.
Śrī Rūpānuga-dāsānu-dāsa,
Swami B.G. Narasiṅgha
